Letting Go
by friendoftheearth
Summary: Just Aaron letting go of some hurt.


Letting Go

He wasn't going. End of!

He'd told his Mam he wasn't going and she'd been fine with it so why was Jackson giving him a hard time about it now? Why should he care if he went to his grandfather's funeral or not?

Jackson didn't know him; he hadn't even spoken to him as far as he knew, except maybe the day of his accident, when the old git had stopped, apologised in his own way and had asked them to go for a drink!

He hadn't been interested and had told him where to go! He couldn't forgive him, didn't want to forgive him. Shadrach had ignored him when he'd first found out he was gay. Then when he had spoken to him or to people around him it had only been to put him down. Openly doing it in front of friends family and strangers. The disgusting old drunk couldn't get his head around him being gay and didn't care who knew about it. That had really hurt, he'd felt betrayed.

Jackson hadn't been impressed when he'd let his mouth run away with him, he'd looked at him and said, "Enough!" When Shadrach had stumbled on his way he'd turned to him and said, "He's an old man, and like he said, he doesn't understand, but it seems like he's trying to now, so give him a chance."

He hadn't though, well he hadn't seen him, he'd not gone to visit him in hospital and he'd not gone out of his way to see him while he was at Marlon's. He hadn't been able to let go of his hurt, it was like an invisible wall between him and the old man, one he hadn't wanted to knock down. He might have been able to in time but as it turned out there hadn't been enough of that and it was too late now.

He'd thought, hoped, that Jackson had given up on his mission to get him to go but as he stepped back into his room, towel clad after taking a shower he just picked up where he'd left off.

"One day you'll regret not going."

"No I won't." Why would he? What difference would it make to him or to anyone if he was there or not?

"It's a chance to say goodbye, to pay your respect..."

"Like he's going to hear, like he's going to know, like I've got any respect for him anyway!"

"It's not just about him it's about you too. About you letting the hurt go and burying it with him... or do you still want to hate him in ten years time?"

"I don't hate him!"

"Then prove that to yourself and go."

Jackson's comment had troubled him. He'd thought about it all morning. He really didn't know how he felt about his grandfather. Like his mother he'd walked in and out of his life. They were never what you'd call close, he wasn't really close to any of the Dingles not like he was close to Paddy, and he knew that was down to him. He hadn't wanted to be a part of them, not when he'd first come to Emmerdale. He'd tried to keep them at arm's length but he hadn't been able to, he was family and they wouldn't let him forget that.

He liked and respected Zak, Lisa too, he liked them all, loved them all he supposed, even if it was still from a comfortable distance.

As for Shadrach, he was difficult to like at the best of times. His mother hadn't had a good word to say about him. His own brother had disowned him. But he'd forgiven him now. His uncle Zak didn't think it was too late to put things right between them. He loved his brother despite him being so unlovable. Did he?

He supposed he did. That was why his lack of support and understanding had hurt him so much. That was why he was now putting his suit on and struggling to fasten his tie. Now he wasn't so angry with him he was beginning to reason over the things he'd said.

He'd fought against his sexuality for years, hurting people he loved both physically and emotionally as he battled with it. If they could forgive him, then how could he not forgive his grandfather for having similar fears and confusion?

He was late arriving, but they were all pleased when he'd turned up, especially his Mam. Shadrach hadn't been much of a father to her but she loved him, Gennie hadn't known him long but somehow she loved him, Cain too in his own way.

He hadn't wanted to say anything, but when the time came emotion had had him speak his thoughts honestly. His grandfather hadn't been all bad, he'd had his moments.

End


End file.
